Tuesday, January 16, 2007
,
2:01 PM
i am feeling very scared.
there's no point blogging my feeling over here, i know.
it's time for me to wake up and make a choice. obviously, it is only this or that or none. this is super confusing because i know i need both but i cannot be selfish. i cant have it my way, that's the most cruel thing.
the outcome is definitely cruel because i am hurting someone who treats me very well. someone who i know will be there when i call, someone who sacrifices everything for me, someone who take good care of my health, someone who hold on me tightly, someone who gets super emotional if i started to ignore him, someone who can do anything just for me, someone who cries because of me, someone who dress-up just for me, someone who...
but now, i seriously have to make a choice. i need to make a choice. the longer i drag, the more i will be scared. the longer i drag, the more confuse i am. someone will be hurt, or maybe all three of us will be hurt. ironically, i think i will be the one most depressed. you will ask, who can give you happiness? selfish enough, i would say both gave me happiness one way or another.
i hate myself for dragging you into this state. i destroyed my own perfect relationship. i brought you up the the seventh heaven and dump you from cloud nine, how great. i gave you emptiness in the end, i gave you nothing but sorrows. full of regrets i am. forgive me for all my wrongdoing. how contradicting. i admit that i do like you and i do feel happy whenever i am with you because you gave me something special.
life still moves on for you and me. i believe one day you will be thankful to me. such thing will definitely happen sooner or later. like what your friends told you, no matter how good you treat me you will be left with nothing but emptiness. i never expect such ending, i thought everything will be `no string attached` kind of thing. now, we're either friends or nothing.
i have been with jimson for more than two years already. we have been through so much, the good and the bad times. i am seeing him growing up everyday. from a poly student to a ns man and a working adult. yes, i love him. and sorry to say, more than you :( no doubt, i have feelings for you as well. but there's really no way we can be together because he will still be the one. he is vulnerable, you too. i want to protect him more because you are much stronger than him. whatever i say will surely hurt someone, either you or him. thats why i am avoiding it all the time, but i cannot take it anymore. it is cramping my heart every time i think of it. yes, i really wish that i can be with both of you. i believe those who read this will definitely think that i am super selfish because i only want the best for myself and neglect the other parties feelings.
no point saying this, it will hurt you even more. i just want you to be happy and happier. really hurt me to the max whenever i see you sad and down. because i know i am the cause. of all, why me. for sure, i am going hell. i really thank you for everything, everybody knows you love me a lot. i am a human too, i can feel everything, every single move you made did touches my heart. you will be a sweet boyfriend, someone who will take good care of his girlfriend. your future girlfriend/wife will be the next lucky one. i believe you have to suffer now and enjoy later, your hardwork will be paid off. god is fair to everyone. i will get my retribution (:
for now, i only hope that everything will return to untouched situation. i want you to be happy forever and crappy too. the humorous you, the optimistic you, the crazy you. i don want this to affect you. i am sorry to be leaving you in this state. please forgive me, please? "short pain better than long pain", is what i always have to say.
thank you for everything. i appreciated it!
i don need any comments from anyone regarding this. i am posting it not to flaunt anything or seek any advice. i know what to do though i know i am real lousy in handling such things. but for this matter, i don want to talk about it with anyone except the both of them. because everybody will definitely give me the same reply and advice.
darling, i know you would be sad after reading this entry but pardon me. all that i have said are from the bottom of my heart, trapped in my heart for very long already. really very miserable, suffocating me. how i wish all these are just a sweet sweet dreams. i never know such things do happen in real life. so, will you be the one leaving me instead? do you still trust me? do you still love me as much? i doubt so...
i doubt so.
destroying my perfect relationship. everything is destroyed overnight, in my own hand.
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♠ ME, myself&i
nothing great, nothing bad.
full-time student.
part-time worker.
JIM'S naughty girlfriend.
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