surprisingly, dardar had nights-off yesterday. but time spent together is super minimum, but better than none. we ate quite a lot last night - kway chap, bread and then calbee potato chips. worst thing is for the whole of yesterday, i ate too much junks! non-stop hit.

so after the calbee hot&spicy chips, my stomach gets upset and started making me feel so uncomfortable and weak. sheety.

maybe it would be better if i start working or go to school again. otherwise, i will crave for more more more food only. stupidd.





slacking is goooood!

i don know why, but i am feeling extremely bored yet happy! as happy as ever, the feeling is as good as i am trouble-less, stress-less and freedom! as good as i've already graduated!

well. when i was still serving my internship, i dragged my feet to work everyday therefore i will not complain a single bit now! i don mind if i have got nothing to do, don mind if i sit here twenty-four hours flipping through boring sites. in another words, yarlar, fiaking hell - i am just lazy!

went back to school yesterday for tutorial. seriously didnt expect myself to be on time because i woke up quite late, left house quite late and the bus came like 20mins later which is super late too. luckily i was on time still though suett is still earlier. felt kinda relieved and happy that i-am-going-back-to-school-for-lessons! another delay - lesson was suppose to start at 12noon but delayed more than half-an-hour. good news from the tutor though. officially, i will only have to go back to school for two lectures and two tutorial for 15mins (1st feb, 6th feb, 8th feb and 22nd feb). well done. but we're still paying the school fees, really feel so cheated by the school! finally handed up the sip portfolio and miniproject. thank you very much suetster and seng for helping me bind in and submit it while i rush to meet that tutor. oh suet, remind me to return you the binding fee etc (: don be shy!

after school yesterday, three of us went tampines recruit express office to look out for temp jobs to fill our pockets. ha. maybe i shouldnt be so lazy all the time la, must really start earning money. cannot always got output and no input. anyway, i suddenly thought of something! on the application form, i wrote the wrong phone number. sheet man. seng that's why the person didn't call me :( can you help me inform the woman if she calls you again? lols.

yeahs! nights off nights off *

ha! i cant believe it!

2 and a half more hours to go and i officially ORD lo! but damn, it's raining heavily now! but who cares... i am leaving soon; woo.

nothing can describe how i am feeling now. it's just, i don have to wake up early and drag my feet to work anymore. i don have to waste my weekends over here at work anymore. i don have to starve myself at work anymore. greeeeeeeaaat!

muahs. i love five fucks!


lols.

i don know to update or not but still...

if you know what is going on from 18/01/07 till then, then good for you - don comment. if you don't, then just don care so much because it is NOYB :D

do not wish to haggle onto this problem for so long. will do everyone no good.



LOVE IS ABOUT FORGIVING! (:
* yes, i am in love still!

anyway, whoever the mastermind is, i would like to thank you for doing such dangerous and heroic move. thanks for hurting everyone but at least this incident helped me a lot. it makes me understand who i really want to be with for life, who's good and bad etc. at least i don have to feel guilty and sad whenever i face jimson anymore. at least now i am guilt-free. i admit that i have betrayed jimson times and times again, but i can guarantee everyone that i will never ever do it again. no other person will forgive me, but he did. am really really fortunate to have someone like him to take care of me, forever.

the other party keeps telling me that he needs my trust because he has his reasons for doing all these. sigh. i really want to believe him so much but i couldn't help but to think of all the good and bad things you have done to me. i hate his fucking evil friend. that devil is the one controlling your mind, controlling everything. he is the one who destroyed everything you have. he wants to take away my everything, left me with nothing at all. this is revenge. come on la, that devil's girlfriend left him with nothing left therefore he wants to save all the men on earth. save them from all evil women. silly thought though. i would say that not al l the females on earth are replica of his ex-girlfriend. stupid devil just enjoy stereotyping all the girls. i know clearly that i will not be like his ex-girlfriend pattern, though many times my pattern always more than badminton. rest assure that jimson will fall into the hole you're in now. will never ever! i will take good care of him. ha. go be a monk la! FUCK YOU!

you think every guy thinks like you do? you think everyone will fall into your trap? you think you will always get what you want? all i can say is that jimson is definitely different from all other guys, i have made the right choice even from the beginning. i will not let him down anymore.


"they laugh at him because he is different; he laughs at them because they are all the same!"


was really hurt so badly by that rat. kept asking myself why must he do all these to me. everything changes without 8hours. it happens too sudden and i wasn't prepared at all. all the good times that we have spent together are no longer real. all human-s know about our secret "affair" and the things we do. every single thing. i am condemned by your army friends, labeled as a bitch! cool. everybody thinks i am the one controlling and toying with these two men feelings but i myself know i am not. really am not. i am one of the victims too. i am not scared because i have done nothing wrong. hee. i admit my wrong already. now i am not guilty of anything.

the soft-hearted me will still need time to forget that rat totally. i admit i still do think of all the things he did to me frequently, the things he said and everything. all these will cover all the big mistakes you have done, forgave every evil move you made.


"You should treat Jimson better. He is nice and trust you enough to give you a third chance..."

"After thinking so long, I see no point in this.. We've no future.. You can do this to jim, you can do this to me anytime in future too. I don't want to get hurt again like what my ex-gf did to me. And Jimson is a guy too nice for you.. If its other guy, you would have being dumped!"

coool.

"I didn't sleep the whole of last night. I don't know what i did to you is right or wrong.. But i really regretted. I cried the whole night.. Love you so much.."


contradicting. i choose to believe that youre not the evil man. i choose to believe you times and times again. i still believe that you have got your reason in doing all these, just that you're being psycho-ed an controlled. however, this may be the only and right way out. your evil friend care for you way too much. maybe this will really do you good in future, all thanks to your fucking evil friend who hates me as much as i do (;

i have really learnt my lesson and i will prove it.

chonkot, i just need you to stay strong and happy. all i want to say is that, i have always always always heed your advice in everything. am a good girl and listen to you all the time. ha. now that you've asked me to cherish jim, i definitely will. and i will also treat him better. i believe you are better off without me, you will feel happier too. nobody will keep sticking onto you anymore, nobody will start arguing with you with small matters anymore, nobody will make you worry anymore, nobody will cheat your money anymore. i know how much you hate me, you have already forgotten me on 23/01/07. or maybe you're trying very hard to. sigh. even if you don hate me, your fucking evil friend will have ways to psycho you into hating me for life. still, i have got no intention of doing all these. you can live happily with the lucky one. aiyoh, i will still be friendly la, still your friend as long as you're happy.


darling... when can we have sakae and dimsum buffet? (:
sigh. i have neglected you on christmas. valentine's day will not be disappointing (:
ilua! hopefully we can stay like that forever, forgiving each other and help each other along the way. cross such hurdles and obstacles together hand-in-hand. don get go of me because i am very dependent on you and can't live without you. this incident did wake me up and had reminded me what type of man i want to live with. someone who wakes up early for me, doing things no other men will do. fix everything for me, wake up super early to boil water for me to bathe when my stupid heater spoil, forgive me for every fault i made, ensure that i am sound asleep first before he leaves/sleeps. i think i am too lucky to have you! i don deserve you, ha. god send you down to take good care of me. muahhs!

indeed, this is the biggest obstacles we've just overcomed - the biggest test for us.

another day.

09 more days left. am counting down everyday. minus 02 more off days equal to 07 more working days left! coool. surviving quite well. suet, we're all strong afterall!

i am still always late. work up almost at 9am today, forced myself not to wake up. i don know for whatever reason. took a cab down and so many fiaking che*byes rushed in-front and -snatch- away my cab. bloody hell, for almost five times k! if only one of them did that, i am okay with it. but i was late already and they still rushed infront of me out of sudden when a cab appeared! ha. maybe i am just super sway with cab-s. next time i drive here ah, no need cab anymore!


and suet... i still want a tattoo (: really very very tempted to get one. maybe real soon. hee! no regrets! i have thought it through already. so do you still want it?


yeah tomorrow will be 2-10 already! coool! finally i can start doing my port folio and mini project already. please bless me. hopefully i can get it down by dateline 29/01/07. poor thing right. and i will be graduating real soon! yes, i am growing up. soon, i will be a real working adult, and maybe married and build my own home. hee.

dreaming again...

i am feeling very scared.

there's no point blogging my feeling over here, i know.


it's time for me to wake up and make a choice. obviously, it is only this or that or none. this is super confusing because i know i need both but i cannot be selfish. i cant have it my way, that's the most cruel thing.

the outcome is definitely cruel because i am hurting someone who treats me very well. someone who i know will be there when i call, someone who sacrifices everything for me, someone who take good care of my health, someone who hold on me tightly, someone who gets super emotional if i started to ignore him, someone who can do anything just for me, someone who cries because of me, someone who dress-up just for me, someone who...

but now, i seriously have to make a choice. i need to make a choice. the longer i drag, the more i will be scared. the longer i drag, the more confuse i am. someone will be hurt, or maybe all three of us will be hurt. ironically, i think i will be the one most depressed. you will ask, who can give you happiness? selfish enough, i would say both gave me happiness one way or another.

i hate myself for dragging you into this state. i destroyed my own perfect relationship. i brought you up the the seventh heaven and dump you from cloud nine, how great. i gave you emptiness in the end, i gave you nothing but sorrows. full of regrets i am. forgive me for all my wrongdoing. how contradicting. i admit that i do like you and i do feel happy whenever i am with you because you gave me something special.

life still moves on for you and me. i believe one day you will be thankful to me. such thing will definitely happen sooner or later. like what your friends told you, no matter how good you treat me you will be left with nothing but emptiness. i never expect such ending, i thought everything will be `no string attached` kind of thing. now, we're either friends or nothing.

i have been with jimson for more than two years already. we have been through so much, the good and the bad times. i am seeing him growing up everyday. from a poly student to a ns man and a working adult. yes, i love him. and sorry to say, more than you :( no doubt, i have feelings for you as well. but there's really no way we can be together because he will still be the one. he is vulnerable, you too. i want to protect him more because you are much stronger than him. whatever i say will surely hurt someone, either you or him. thats why i am avoiding it all the time, but i cannot take it anymore. it is cramping my heart every time i think of it. yes, i really wish that i can be with both of you. i believe those who read this will definitely think that i am super selfish because i only want the best for myself and neglect the other parties feelings.

no point saying this, it will hurt you even more. i just want you to be happy and happier. really hurt me to the max whenever i see you sad and down. because i know i am the cause. of all, why me. for sure, i am going hell. i really thank you for everything, everybody knows you love me a lot. i am a human too, i can feel everything, every single move you made did touches my heart. you will be a sweet boyfriend, someone who will take good care of his girlfriend. your future girlfriend/wife will be the next lucky one. i believe you have to suffer now and enjoy later, your hardwork will be paid off. god is fair to everyone. i will get my retribution (:

for now, i only hope that everything will return to untouched situation. i want you to be happy forever and crappy too. the humorous you, the optimistic you, the crazy you. i don want this to affect you. i am sorry to be leaving you in this state. please forgive me, please? "short pain better than long pain", is what i always have to say.

thank you for everything. i appreciated it!



i don need any comments from anyone regarding this. i am posting it not to flaunt anything or seek any advice. i know what to do though i know i am real lousy in handling such things. but for this matter, i don want to talk about it with anyone except the both of them. because everybody will definitely give me the same reply and advice.

darling, i know you would be sad after reading this entry but pardon me. all that i have said are from the bottom of my heart, trapped in my heart for very long already. really very miserable, suffocating me. how i wish all these are just a sweet sweet dreams. i never know such things do happen in real life. so, will you be the one leaving me instead? do you still trust me? do you still love me as much? i doubt so...

i doubt so.

destroying my perfect relationship. everything is destroyed overnight, in my own hand.

slacked the whole of saturday at work.

listen! it's not that i am lazy or a slacker; but there wasnt anything for me to do on that day. can you imagine sitting of this bloody chair for 12hrs? i believe my butt will rot or go out of shape sooner or later. ha. luckily i have got only................................ 11 days left to ORD lo! ha!

basically on saturday night, i went out with darling and his army friends to chevron again! reached there around 11pm. like so no mood to sing, NO FORM! lol. maybe because i was too sleepy and in my mind i only want to sleep. another day wasted! i know i shouldnt be feeling that way. i should enjoy myself to the fullest. partly because i was sick in the morning as well.

took mc leave on sunday. yes i was suppose to work 10-10 but... sick!



this week will be another boring week for me and you. sigh.
hope faster friday ba. hope faster jan26 BUT i have not started on my portfolio. so stressful >.<

hope faster graduate la! even better.

maybe you can gauge how free i am over here.

maybe not.



i am just feel super sleepy and tired, imagine working 10-10 for so many days. hee. tomorrow will be 10-10 again, everyday also 10-10.

can't wait for the polo-s to arrived! (:
been quite some thing since i joined a spree. so hopefully, this will be another successful one.

yeah. and my cheque is coming my way soon. really my HARD-EARNED money :(




* i miss you!

so fucking pissed-off today!

almost late again today. woke up late and obviously, i took a cab down from lavender station. the guai lan driver simply turn one BIG BIG round. instead of heading the usual way, he turn into a small street and he was unable to find a way out! fiaker!

so he went the way opposite from golden mile complex. i feel as if he is sending me back home. THEN he finally found a u-turn sign. but still there was so much delay due to traffic light and so on. think i am just unlucky man!

last night, went supper with darling at amk s-11. had western food! O_O so not us. ha. it was raining heavily and was very very cold. luckily his umbrella is big enough to shelter both of us perfectly. after supper, headed home by cab again! my house is super near the s-11 but i don know why i insist on taking cab. ha! in the end... SWAY again! wtfiak.

maybe i have got night blindness, i don know when to turn into my house. so i gave driver the wrong command. thus, he had to reverse a little so that he can turn into that lane. he got sooo pissed off and started mumbling some nonsense. as if we don know what he was saying... he was saying "chao chee bye x 246372312247 times" lol. his driving fail also! mount kerb. wth.


anyway, i think i should SHOULD SHOULD avoid taking cab these few days! just unlucky!


oh and when i arrived at work just, this indonesian lady ask me about the coach ticket to k.lumpur. i had difficulty talking and explaining to her. blame her for not learning english! pi. so angry and frustrated also! because i just arrived, everything's not ready yet, my bag still on my lap and she happily come asking me nonsense! grr.



heee.

why do some customers enjoy repeating whatever i say and ask the same question again and again?

WHY!


for instance...
me: hello, good afternoon gunung.
aunty/uncle: hello, gunung ah?
me: yes.

like obviously, i said gunung already what...





they're just stupid stupid stupid lah!
hur!

stomach cramping like crazy. ANGRY!

i survived! (:



i remembered opening this blog page because i want to update something. but now, i forgot what i wanted to do.

oh man. tomorrow will be my OFF day and then will be like hell. will be working 10-10 for 6 full days. how can i survive? this means that i have to wake up very very early and sleep very late. will i die? lol!

sigh. darling will be on exercise these few days, will only see him on friday or saturday. feel so not-motivated to work. nothing to look forward to :( anyway, i hope you will do well and survive! we shall suffer together and enjoy much later. jiayou ah!


now... i can't wait for KNOCK-OFF! yea *

went back to TP this morning for what guest lecture, this one is soooo not compulsory! blame myself for being naive and stupid enough to be rushing for this st-upid lecture (:

otherwise, i wouldn't need to FORCE myself to wake up! wouldn't need darling to wake up so early and ask me wake up. hur. feel so bad that i always make him wake up to wake me up. dar, regret staying not? every weekend also so poor thing, gotta wake up so early ):

hurr.



was a little late when i reach TP; as usual, the rest reached earlier and they were already sitting in the lecture hall comfortably and happily. LOL! crapped with seng during the whole lecture. seriously nothing did get into my pea-brain. i only remember that he's quite round and also remembered handed in my issues outline. hee.

headed to classroom session after that. like before, it's the same old tutorial mates and same old tutor. saying the same thing over and over again.

ended very early but waiting for seng, doreen and raine for very long! ha! ended up deciding what to eat again. wanted to take cab down to bugis but ended up, there's no cab at all. yes, there're lots of hired ones though. moreover there are five of us! piii...

stood under the blazing sun for terribly few minutes! more than 15mins i supposed! guess i will have sun burn real soon! sooooo exagerating. LAUGH out loud la! had ultimate chicken meal at kfc! yum. drool please (:


am still at work doing nothing but listening to songs, msning, smsing, slacking. SO free still ask me work so long hours! they have tooo much money to giveaway lo! really must enlighten ways to help them save up on their employees' wages monthly. don they know how to plan proper proper schedules with adequate staff?

dumbpigs.

super looking forward to later programme. the reason being: i have nothing to worry! can enjoy to the fullest (: i love his kinda of freedom! but i need money.


on the other hand, i am quite depressed knowing that i have to work even on sunday (tomorrow) at 2pm. pii.

yeahs.

guess what.

it's so overcrowded over here -- not because there are a lot of customers, is because there are overloaded of working staff.

feeling quite stress now.
reason being:
- have not started my portfolio draft which is due this saturday
- have not started the research thingy which is due this saturday
- working schedules too hectic - no weekend off
- personal relationship?

think mainly will be school work and attachment.


i have got nothing to do over here at gunung. yet i cant find a single reason for them to push me down from hq to this place. really. like today, i have got no where to sit, so i hid at the back msn-ing and surfing the whole day.

really! it can get bored after some time. now that it's around 9pm already, i am looking forward to 10pm. think this time round, i am so depressed over this matter because i am alone here without my closer friends here with me.

life's so unfair.

hey it's 2007! why am i thinking so negatively?

i want to be happy! who doesn't.




* don like her la... help! *

The end of 2006 didn't ended quite well with me being sick again, as well as many other things haunting me almost every night. I choose to avoid it because i don't want anyone to be hurt. But on the other hand, avoiding doesn't do any good as well - it will add on more troubles for me in the future.

My little wish - as long as everyone is happy.

Sounds stupid and childish, i know. But I mean it.


I dont know why, but I know that my heart is cramping with many many worries, problems and contradictions. I hate it. I choose to keep everything inside me, wanted to state it all in this page but better not. What for let everyone knows about my problem, they can't help. Instead, they are adding more fuel to it (:


Darling's having his TP test today. Really hope he can make it and pass it at one go! Want him to be happier and be proud of him as well. Hee. But then again, even if he didn't make it, it's okay ok darling? It's just luck. Hopefully everyone on the road are courteous drivers and pedestrians. Ha.


Well, I have got work at 2pm later. FIAK! Of all, why me? I am always the unlucky one. Already demoralized to the core. Nobody knows how it feels to be treated this way. Standard reply from everyone "Just bear another few more weeks lo, ending SIP already."

Big sigh.

Can anyone return me my weekend? It is utterly important, to me.




You're the lucky one. I am the unwanted (:
Be blessed.


KNNBCCB!

i cant believe i survived 12 hours here.

no choice.



happy new year 2007 everyone!